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So much darkness

It’s undulating form

Swallows me back, to the very pit of its belly

Yours is a tight bodice

Cinching in at my lungs

And forcing me in this recumbent position

And it seems like we’re all just here to drink down merriment and swallow breaths back

To dissipate the fear of this darkness in your belly

I grapple with the whispers

Their sibilant selves wrapping around tightly around my throat

I will them to on, to expedite my demise

So the rest can carry on without the radio interference

Squeeze

Squeeze

So you can have your say

And peace can be bestowed

And sleep can be found

Kalopsia

Your form lingers on my teeth

Arms lazily stretched out,

A force

With an unapologetic skin

That sticks thick and opaque

You casually drop in as you please

And I scramble at your feet, tripping over the words I set in concrete not an hour before

You came in your chariot, dear Kalopsia

And I fell hard and I fell clean

As my eyes were a-blinded by the way you wrapped yourself around me

Tapping out Freedom

Sadness, she drip drops

On to the ledge I stand on

She runs off uninhibited,

Not even a flicker of embarrassment at the nakedness she wears,

Bright and brazenly

Oh my tongue, how it salivates

At the nakedness of her freedom

And I reach closer

To try to catch just one of her drops

But it’s a race I’ve not prepared for

She outruns me every time

No matter how quickly I catch her drops,

I’m still stuck behind the rock I crouch behind

And the ledge where freedom beckons me

I want her to quench the thirst that sits inside, rock-hard

But she is unforgiving,

Lapping up all my amber prayers

Without a second to rethink my offering

And I just clutch a single flame

Between the palms of my hands

Its amber -coloured self so mesmerizing

As it blackens my flesh

A last ditch homage to you,

Who I want so much

To just notice me

So my sacrifice for you

Would be worth the space I take up

Shelves

Here you go,

The shelves are up

It’s up to you to stack yourselves up on top of them, it’s not on me anymore

It was always a thankless job anyway

But you, you don’t disperse and scatter without me there shouldering you, like I had imagined you would

Without missing a beat, you tie knots and make chains to pull and push

Until each and everyone is up, neatly stacked

Self-satisfied smiles burst out across your horizon

A brightness begins to light up over you

Sparking applause from within your smug selves, partnering itself alongside back-slapping and whoops of joy and glee

I wish I could say

I felt light to see your bouncing smiles

But instead

Rocks began to grow inside

And weighed down the muscles of my own mouth

No joy able to shine out

And the loneliness of being forgotten just weighed me to the spot

I knew you remembered me

But you’d forgotten so easily

How you were never supposed to hurt me this way

And that if you ever did, you weren’t supposed to ever forget

Such an unforgivable deed

But you’ve both forgotten and also you’re quite content

I want to take my shelves down and let you drop right down

And let your bodies hit concrete

Like my heart has

I want you to hurt

From being smashed open

And in no way possible

Being able to be put back to whole

But as That desire grows alongside my rocks

I feel more heavy and sad

To feel the antithesis

Of your being

And loneliness is wedged between me and these rocks inside

Enjoy your view from up there

I’ll just keep sipping this poison

That I had laid out for you originally

I’m getting more and more used to the taste

Cacti

Concrete walls lick me once-over

Grey and impersonal,

It’s just a perfunctory gesture

And it’s here that I hang,

Upside down

with nowhere to go

But back up from where I came

Cacti, they spring out from the walls,

A prickly invasion

Designed to throw me off

And yet I grit my teeth

And my fingers dig to find grooves and spaces so I can keep this momentum of movement

Because even as my skin is pricked and punctured,

blood pitter-patters down all over my consciousness,

I still must keep moving

Lest I stay here

Where all the blood would rush to my head,

The pressure of which would cause it and whole head to burst open

And rain down on unsuspecting pedestrians below us

No, that would be most uncouth

So let us continue, discomfort and all.

Brewing. Threading.

She’s a kind of acid

And I roll her between my fingers

To throw a lump on my eye

It catches and it sticks,

Hungrily eating up the trail of flesh that circles there

Trailing a skip and a jump of red sores behind her steps

She strips off, uninhibited

Her flesh shredding off in strips, easy flow

As she walks on wooden floors

That begin and end within my chest and it’s deep bottomed ocean

We thought she couldn’t reach us down here

But her appetite, it’s always prevailed

And she begins her second feast of the day

As the light from her watering saliva gleams and glistens

Trailing lazily on my tongue

I lie on the seabed,

Neither condoning nor condemning of her whole acidic self ,

But Just here,

Threading water

For all that it’s worth

Patience

Patience could be a virtue

If only I could reach far enough to catch her,

To bring her in with my net

But she is a slippery fish,

She likes the chase, she likes the chase

But she keeps slipping from my grasp, jumping straight back into the deep depths of below us

I’m so tired of your games,

Just pick a side and stop flicking between our different channels

It’s an island mentality

And one I’ve got no time to devote relaxing into

Just get straight to the part where you are within me ,

And I am you

And I don’t have to keep trying to chase your elusive self

Stockholm Syndrome

Can we surrender

Into your arms?

They seem so sturdy

And yet, I hesitate.

I’m still bruised from the last fall,

When I fell and kept falling, no one catching me , no one to break the fall

I remember;

My body as it plunged towards the wooden floor,

Followed by quick successions of a series of thuds

And how you giggled with a sadistic satisfaction at such sounds,

Music to your ears

Oh how even now, the bruises remain

And I’ve been left with some kind of Stockholm syndrome ,

Craving your terrible bedside manner.

Even now,

When a lull enters a space beside me

I look for your lies to coat me

Just the one coat even, a light colour of false optimism

It doesn’t even have to be a very good one

I just want a temporary fix

To colour in the holes and gloss over the bruises

All in an effort to pretend, pretend

That I’m whole

You’ve been always good with make-believe,

That I can rely on

So bring your game here, please

Pretty please.

The Illegitimate Child

How is that I mourn you,

Having not know of your existence until now?

Your form before me is confusing

And I know not how I should react.

Should I approach you, and dare to acknowledge the heat that you’re emitting?

Or should our muscles tense as we begin a ridiculous dance around one another, all so we may avoid brushing against one another’s existence?

I’ve seen glimpses of you before, but never enough to form a whole picture

Your presence throws the whole family into chaos;

An illegitimate child

One who has finally refused to be ignored.

But what about us, the other family members?

How do we marry you into our past,

As well as our present?

We’ve been told that you were a figment of someone else’s anger, someone else’s pain,

Denied a chance to know you

But now; you stand before me and the whole family, asking to be known

I have no resources to pull on,

No prior experience to apply to this , here and now

So I speak not for everyone, only for myself alone;

I shall not run,

I shall not deny your existence

I agree to stay and hear you out.

I hope you can accept this , what I can give you for now, in this present moment.

I Shall Wait

I’m coming to find you.

I hear you down there, even with your silence filling my ears

My feet click down the stairs,

Their clicks clacking off of the walls to meet the dankness that hangs in the air Until we are met with splashing,

One, two, one, two

Darkness; We enter into her domain

But she plays not an easy game

Blind guesses

And groping for damp handfuls of hopes to find you, to bring you home

I search for slivers of light but she’s not a cooperative guest,

Nor in the most amiable of moods

Still, we continue,

To search and to hope

Until I feel you,

You and your cowering form,

So small in this space

A breath and I’d have missed you

You do not unfold,

You do not speak

Wordlessly, I join you

Damp air sitting between us ,

Expectant breaths muffled down

For they cannot stir you

I came to take you home

But your home is here

I sit and dare not stir, lest I cause your shadow to skitter away from me

It’s a waiting game

You have not joined,

You will not play,

But nonetheless, I will stay

And I will hope

That one day, your eyes may dare to raise to meet Mine

And we can drink each other in.


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